It’s often been said that the worse vice is Advice. Nevertheless, your impending marriage has been on my mind lately and I have a few thoughts on the subject which I’d like to share with both of you.

First of all, let me apologize to you for setting such a bad example of what a husband and father should be in my early years with your mother. I was a self-centered and hedonistic man and I am ashamed of some of the things I did back then. I hope that you will find it in your heart to forgive me and understand that I am no longer that person. I’ve learned some hard lessons over the years and I pray that I never have to relearn them.

Most people today go into marriage under the assumption that it will make them happy. It won’t! Once people get into a marriage and the newness wears off they find that keeping a marriage together is actually hard work. There are arguments and disagreements and if you’re not careful resentment and bitterness can begin to grow over time. Once children come into the picture, the whole world gets turned upside down and the relationship no longer seems to be about you and your spouse but about meeting the needs of your offspring. You find that the person you were dating or living with seems to have changed into someone completely different (usually a reflection of their parents). All of these things combined can drain the love and joy out of the marriage until one or the other of you finally decide that it’s just not working and opt for a divorce. And why not? After all, if it’s not making you happy why stay?

But the truth is life and marriage isn’t about you and making you happy! Let me explain:

God created marriage and He designed it to work in a certain way. God created marriage so that two would become one. Marriage is the closest approximation on earth of what Jesus’ relationship is between Him and the church. Jesus loved us so much that He humbled Himself by coming to earth and suffering the pain and humiliation of death on the cross. He sacrificed Himself for the church.

In the same way, husbands are to love their wives “just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” And although it’s not a popular point of view today, wives are to be subject to their husbands in love “as the church is subject to Christ.” Not because the husband is greater or better than the wife, but simply because it is the authority structure that God has mandated.

Marriage as God designed it is a beautiful thing and the best relationship you will ever have with another person (besides Jesus)! Those who base their relationship on submission to Him discover that marriage is not about making themselves happy but about loving the other person more than themselves. It’s about sacrificing what you want for the other person…not out of duty with resentment but out of a love that cares more for their spouse than that they do for themselves. This is especially true when the other person is not treating you fairly or is seeking to hurt you. If you’re wise you soon discover that it is vain to try and get even with the other person because you cannot hurt them without hurting yourself. Just as Christ endures our ignoring and hurting Him, we are to patiently endure the hurt and forgive them from the heart just as He forgives us. And you need to do it over and over for the rest of your life. In fact, Jesus said that if you don’t forgive others from your heart then don’t expect God to forgive you.

But it is foolish to think that you can have a marriage that works the way God intended without Jesus being in charge of your life individually. The way it works is you submit yourself to God as Lord of your life, then you submit your marriage to God as Lord of your marriage, and then you submit your own needs and desires to each other as husband and wife. To enter into a marriage without a real relationship with Jesus Christ is to leave out the primary ingredient needed to make it work.

My wife and I had to learn this lesson the hard way. We’ve been on the verge of divorce many times because we were too selfish and unforgiving to understand that it wasn’t about us…it was about Him. Once we got our lives right with God individually and we began to understand our own need for forgiveness from God and how He continues to give Himself for us then we began to see the hypocrisy in not forgiving each other and putting the other person first. That’s not to say that we don’t still have problems, but by God’s grace we will continue to love each other, endure and forgive each others faults, and carry each others burdens until the end of our lives.

So, you see, life and marriage isn’t about what makes you happy. It is about being conformed to the image of Jesus Christ in every area of our lives because THAT is how we were designed. It’s something which can’t be faked or worked up and it is impossible to do in your own strength. It isn’t about being a good person or being a member of a church. It can only happen by Christ living in reality through you. When it happens then you find as a byproduct the peace and contentment that God intended for you.

If you can’t say that you really know that Christ is living in you, that you know Him (not just know about Him), and He is truly Lord of your life then I encourage you to seek Him. In Hebrews 11:6, God says “without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.” I’ve found the following link to be a good place to start in understanding who God is, what our relationship to Him is, and what it can be:

http://wayofthemaster.com/goodperson.shtml

As a personal favor to me, I ask that you visit the link and take the time to go through the whole presentation (about 10-15 minutes). If you have any questions, I would welcome the opportunity to discuss them with you. I don’t have all the answers but I do know the most important One!

May God richly bless both of you and your marriage and may you bring glory to His name as you grow together in the true knowledge and grace of our Lord!

Here’s part of what the Bible has to say about marriage:

Matthew 6:14,15 “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.”

Matthew 18:35 “My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.”

Ephesians 5:22-33 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

Matthew 16:25 “For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”

Malachi 2:16 “For I hate divorce,” says the LORD